Now a happily married woman, I am happy to wave from afar at the dating game. It’s a ride of highs and lows and can quite often be nothing more than plain brutal.
Of course, the worst type of date is when the second half of the date doesn’t even have the decency to show. This has happened to me, once or twice, but they don’t make a great story. I showed up, they didn’t, I felt a fool, I left, the end. Fortunately for you, I have been able to create a top three list of my worst dates ever and what it was that lead them to the podium.
Bronze – When Seagulls Attack
Ever seen the classic horror “The Birds”? It’s quite understandable why so many of us are terrified of the feathered fiends, myself included.
This date sounds as romantic as anything. We had just enjoyed a meal in town and were taking what we thought would be a romantic stroll along the promenade in the evening’s early dusk. The clouds were turning pink and orange, the sound of the waves on the pebbled shore was tickling our ears.
My date had picked us up an ice cream each, and we didn’t see it coming. The gull quite literally dive bombed him for the cold treat and scooped it into its greedy beak within seconds. Now, this wasn’t my date’s fault, of course, but the clincher as to why I never heard from him again? I launched my own cone of ice cream in his direction, where it landed disgracefully onto his left cheek. Whilst screaming hysterically, I then ran full pelt in the opposite direction. Not only had I abandoned him, I’d used him as bait.
Silver – Tag, You’re Dead
My friends set me up with this one. He was a friend of a friend and to be fair, really rather gorgeous. To add to the fun, we allowed my friends to choose where we’d go for our date.
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Laser Quest. Yep. They chose the first time I’d meet this guy would be in a dark and gloomy room that resembles a tacky castle, where we’d don clunky chest plates that flash a vulgar red, as well as a heavy plastic “laser” gun. Still, I went along with it.
I wish I hadn’t. Turns out this guy, despite his chiselled looks, was really into his laser tag. So much so that during our battle, he legit shouted at me because I wasn’t as stealthy as he’d hoped. He got angry and had a grown man tantrum when we lost the match.
Gold – Pea Soup
I’d seen this particular guy twice already, and both previous dates had been mediocre. This time, he invited me for a cosy night in at his, where I found myself suddenly tipsy off Prosecco. I dropped my guard when he invited me into the jacuzzi. I had no swimwear, so as I disgracefully whipped my jeans down, I fell over, smashing my forehead on the coffee table. Ouch. Gallant as ever, my date fetched a bag of frozen peas for me and held it against my bump.
Can you see where this is going?
Pressing the peas to my bonce, I gingerly got into the hot-tub and momentarily enjoyed the warm bubbles. I was oblivious to the hole in the bag, which had leaked countless green friends into the water with us. Until he told me, with an unimpressed expression on his face…